Angels on the Rocks
by promise99
Summary: Castiel, Dean, and Sam get stalked, mostly Sam, though!   Anyways, Sam is trying to get rid of Lucifer and Gabriel, who are stalking him.  Dean and Cas are trying to help, but Cas wants to lose his virginity.  R&R!  Please!  :D
1. Cas' Urges

How to Get and Angel Laid- A Supernatural fanfic

Chapter One: Urgent Business

Castiel Novak was an angel of the Lord. He was all powerful, yet his charge was the irresponsible womanizer Dean Winchester. Over time, Cas had started to become human. He even lost his powers. This story is how he succumbed to his human side.

One bright October day, Cas had decided to ask Sam about his "urges". So, Cas threw on his trademark trench coat, his suit jacket, his black slacks, and his shined dress shoes. As Castiel walked through the streets of Salem, Massachusetts, he earned a number of stares from the girls. _What sluts,_ he thought; _Father should have smited their sorry asses a long time ago. _He wondered what it would be like to smite someone. A girl with long black hair dropped a napkin with numbers on it on his lap. _What ever could this be?_ he wondered, _It's probably some slut code. I'll have Sam look at this when I get there. _Cas approached the Red Rose Motel, where Sam told him they were staying. Room 7. Cas knocked on the door. Sam emerged in a black tank top and red flannel bottoms.

"Cas? What're you doing here?" The angel gave him an emotionless stare, as always.

"Sam. I require your assistance with something."

"What do you need? Oh, you need to know how to use the toilet? Well, you just sit on it and-" Cas cut him off. "SAM! No, not the toilet!" The angel's face looked like a red Christmas light. "Oh," Sam said, "Come on in then."


	2. The Talk

How to Get an Angel Laid

Chapter Two: The Talk

"So, whataya need?" Sam's voice was a yawn. Cas put his coat on a hook.

"I, uh, require assistance."

"I can tell by looking at you. You look like a wreck. So, come on, tell me what's wrong."

"I am beginning to experience urges."

"Urges? What kind of urges?"

"I cannot explain." Sam knew what kind of urges he was having.

"Do you know where babies come from?" The question took Cas aback. Of course he knew how humans reproduce, though he wasn't exactly sure of the method.

"What? Of course I do. Father made humans so they could reproduce."

_Great. _Sam thought, _The angel is a virgin. My work is cut out for me. _

"When a man and a woman love each other, and they want to have a baby, let's just say they "bake a cake." Anyway, they bake the cake, and 9 months later, a baby is born."

Cas made a humming sound, pondering the possibilities of how a baby is made.

"I see. So, the woman supplies the batter, and the male supplies the frosting. Is that right?"

Sam blushed. "Oh, God, Cas. Forget I said anything. You should ask Dean about this."


	3. Trip to Spencer's

How to Get an Angel Laid

Ch 3. Trip to Spencer's

"Dean, are we there yet?'

"No! Stop asking!" Dean was driving Cas and Sam to Times Square to get Castiel some new threads.

"Uhh, Dean?"

"Yes, Cas?"

"What is the purpose of a "wangus?" Dean nearly drove his car into the side of the road. Sam was laughing hysterically. Dean's face was as red as a tomato.

"Who told you that term and why are you using it?"

"I overheard Bobby saying his broke. Now, what is it, Dean? Answer me or you'll pay." Cas was genuinely confused. What purpose could a broken "wangus" serve?

"A "wangus"," Dean started, "is the squeeze bag for the frosting."

"I am still confused. Tell me the meaning. Now."

Sam was the first one to speak. "Cas, "he began, "Just have Dean hook you up after we get back. You'll learn then, okay?"

"Fine."

The rest of the trip was totally awkward. Dean had put on some Metallica, and Sam was texting Bobby. Cas was sleeping. Wait. SLEEPING? Something was very wrong with him. His grace needed to be recharged. Dean would wake him up when they got there.

. . .

"Cas! Cas, wake up! Are you sick or something?" It was Sam. Sam was the worrier, as always.

"I am fine. I just needed some rest."

"Okay. Just tell me if you start to feel funny, okay? We need you."

"Sure,"

Dean was getting very impatient. "How about after you two finish braiding each other's hair, you can have a slumber party and talk about boys all night? Now, that you're finished, let's go shopping!"

Sam scoffed. "That's _**so **_masculine, Dean."

"Shut up, bitch."

"Jerk."

Cas was confused. "Bitch? I am confused. What does it mean?"

"Drop it, Cas."

...

"Hey, look, Sam! A paddle!" Dean saw one of those sexy paddles at the back of the store. He picked it up. "Hey. remember that Cajun girl in Baton Rouge? She was such a freak."

Sam answered, "I don't want to hear about your sexcapades."

"Yes you do."

"No I don't."

"Yes you do."

"No I don't."

"Yes you do."

"Okay, fine, I do."

"Told ya."

A sales person walked up.

"Need any help with anything?"

Cas was the first to respond. "Yes. My friend here was calling his brother the word "bitch," and I do not understand. Would you mind explaining it to me?"

The sales person was taken aback. "Uh, a bitch is a female dog, so he was calling him a female dog? I think. Oh, sir, you have a paddle. Would you like me to ring it up for you?

"Sure, thanks."


	4. Car Ride

A/N: Sorry it took so long for a new chapter. I really have no time with high school and everything, but my brother and me worked hard on this story. It's going to get really crazy now, so I hope that you like it!

**Disclaimer: I have put a little involuntary Sam/Gabriel, but it is for comedy. I don't write slash. Period. Also, I own nothing of the Supernatural kind. Sad but true, yes, I know. :D**

Chapter 4: Car Ride

"My first kiss went a little like this….." Dean was flipping stations, and it landed on 103.5 Kiss FM.

"Oh, Oh!" Sam was yelling, "Keep it on that! It's Dean's jam!" Dean smiled. "You know me so well, Sam." "She won't ever get enough, once she gets a little touch…."

Dean started to dance in his seat. Sam chuckled. Cas, who had been listening, was perplexed.

"Dean," he asked, "Why are you fidgeting? Do you have an itch?" Cas looked concerned for Dean's well being. Sam was laughing very obnoxiously at the angels behavior. Dean's face turned pink.

"No, Cas, I…. Was dancing?" The song finished as they were talking. Someone appeared before the car. Who could it be?

"Hello, boys. Miss me?" It was the last person Sam would've suspected to be there. Gabriel appeared in the seat next to Cas. He started to stroke Sam's hair. Sam pulled his gun out.

"What the hell, Gabriel? Why are you here?" Sam was bright red, and Gabriel started to laugh.

"What, sweetheart, I can't visit my little brother? He needs some guidance in the ways of the heart. Isn't that right, Cas?" Cas glared at him. "First of all, I am **not **your little brother. Also, I don't need guidance in the ways of the heart. Oh, by the way, you are not welcome among us. We don't need that drama."

"Aww, why not?" Gabriel was totally playing them. He wanted Sam. Very badly. If he had to make Cas embarrassed, that was a bonus. Sam got angry. "You freaking dream molested me! Bastard!"

Gabriel laughed at Sam. "I couldn't help it, Sammy! You have such a perky ass." Sam turned even redder, partially from anger, partially from embarrassment. "Yeah, well, you can kiss my perky ass." Gabriel smiled to himself. "Fine, I will." He appeared under Sam, and kissed his ass. Firmly. Dean pulled over.

Cas pulled a flask of holy oil out of his trenchcoat. Sam slapped the ex-trickster across the face. Gabriel grinned. "I like 'em feisty. Yay me." He let out a growl that made Sam shiver. Sam said, "Go die. Go in a hole and die like the rat you are." Cas dumped the holy oil on Gabriel's head. Dean pulled out a lighter and lit it, then he threw it at Gabriel's head. He vanished in an eruption of flame.

"That won't keep him away forever, Sam." Cas stated. "Yeah, I know, Cas." For the moment, though, holy fire had its uses.

A/N: I loved writing this chapter. In the next one, though, the boys put on their new outfits and fend off Gabriel again. I think that Cas might be getting a few ideas from Gabriel. Again, I hope you liked it. I'll try to have the next one up in a few days, like one or two. Finally, like I said before, NO SLASH. I respect these characters too much. Sorry if I offend anyone. l8r. ;p


	5. We Get Makeovers

A/N: This chapter deals with Gabriel again. Sorry to all you Sam/Gabriel haters. I guess that makes Sam sorry for himself! :D Anyways, in this chapter, the boys are getting makeovers. Bigtime. It sorta drags toward the beginning, in my opinion, but its only a matter of opinion. I'll let you read now. :p

"Come on, Cas! Open the door! I really need to pee!" Dean was pissed. How long would it take that stupid angel to figure out how to put on a pair of pants? "Sorry, Dean, but I refuse to leave this room. I look foolish!" Since when do angels care about their appearances?

"Cas, open the door! You're being girly!" Now Dean was getting impatient. He banged on the door, only for Castiel to scream for Sam to help him. "I'm not coming out. End of story. Deal with it, Dean!" Sam hurriedly ran to the door, where Dean was getting his gun out to shoot the lock on the door. "Dean, don't. I have a plan." He looked at the door. "Cas, come on out. I won't judge you. I really want to see how you look." Two seconds later, Cas opened the door, only to have Dean jam his foot in the door. "Ha! In your face! Now leave, or I'll piss all over you!"

Cas came out in a black button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up, some dark blue jeans, black and white Vans, and a sky blue tie on. "I do not feel like myself if I am not wearing a tie." Sam laughed at him. Dean came out of the bathroom. "Hey, I feel soo much better now. No thanks to you, Cas." Dean changed out of his pajamas and into a black T-shirt, black jeans, and black Converse on. He had a silver watch and a black bowler hat with a silver stripe on. "Don't you think that you're wearing a little too much black?" Sam laughed at Dean. "This is my pimp suit. Deal with it, or you'll get slapped."

Sam went into the bathroom with a change of clothes. Four seconds later, he ran out, screaming. He didn't have a shirt on. Gabriel was following him out of the bathroom. "Come on, baby, just one kiss? Not even a quick one?" Sam tried to slap Gabriel, but he blocked it. "You're going to have to try a little harder than that, sugar bean." So, Sam kicked him in the groin. "Suck that, bitch! Now get away from me before I call Zachariah!" Gabriel was on the ground, holding his broken balls, and rolling, moaning, "Come on, babe, say sorry to me."

Dean whispered to Cas, "That's a broken "wangus." Learn from his mistake." Cas nodded. "I see, so if you get kicked in the groin, your "wangus" becomes obsolete." He was proud of himself for figuring that much out.

Gabriel was starting to get over the initial pain. "Come on now, Sam, and give me a sorry kiss. I don't bite. Unless you want me to." Sam went to the kitchen and grabbed a cleaver. Cas pulled out his flask of holy oil. "Sorry, brother, but he doesn't care for your advances. Neither do I, for that matter." He poured the oil on top of Gabriel's head, and Dean struck a match. Again, Gabriel vanished in a tongue of flame.

**A/N: So, This is it. I really enjoyed typing this, after all, who doesn't want to see Gabriel with a broken "wangus"? Poor Sammy! He's getting harassed sexually. Again, NO SLASH! Sorry, I just refuse to write it. Anyway, in the next chapter, Cas finds a recipe for a special potion to keep stalker angels away. The slash writers are probably like, "Hey, maybe Cas can use it on himself!" Whatever. L8r y'all. Peace! :}**


	6. We Make Special Smoothies

**A/N: Hey, whatsshakin? Anyways, I'm getting really into this story. In this chapter, Cas makes a potion for Sam to keep that creeper Gabriel away. I take no responsibility for any loss of hearing or eyesight after one reads this chapter. A special angel makes an appearance in this chapter. So, reader discretion is advised. (NO SLASH! (mwahaha.)) :}**

**Chapter 6: We Make Special Smoothies **

"Are you sure, you're doing this right, Sam? It's not pink, it's black. Like my soul." Dean was perplexed as to how Sam was brewing this thing. "It's Cas' recipe, anyways. He should know. Why don't you get off of your lazy ass and ask him?" Cas was staring at the cauldron. "Sam, add the poison ivy and rose petals, then stir counter clock wise for 3 seconds. It'll be perfect." The potion smelled like a big pile of cow dung. Dean was staring at the table. "Hey, Cas, why does the rabbit always get screwed in sorcery? It's not fair to the rabbit population." Cas sighed. "The rabbit gets screwed because its teeth hold special magical properties."

The potion now turned pink. Sam wrinkled his nose. "Dude, it smells like your old gym socks! I can't believe you still have those!" Dean looked shocked. "Hey, I lost my virginity in those. Don't make fun of me." Cas just opened his mouth as if to say something, but he decided not to. Bobby was at the door to the basement. "Hey, ya idjits! Hurry up and brew that crap! I don't need it stinking up my house! What smells so fruity?"

Dean smiled wryly. "It's Sam! He's the fruity one!" Cas started to say something, but Sam interrupted him. "Dean, you're a jerk. Really, I mean it." Cas was confused. "I do not understand. What is the meaning of the word "fruity" in this context?" "Just stop, Cas. Stop."

… (a few minutes later….)

Cas pulled out three golden chalices out of his trenchcoat. Dean, of course, could not resist making fun of him. "Hey, Cas, look! I just found the Holy Grail!" Cas frowned. "Dean, that is nothing to make fun of. You are going to get smited. I refuse to bring you back, if that is the case." Sam was just laughing at their conversation.

Before they left the house, Dean decided to christen the potion. "Hey, Cas, Sam, sit down. Let's have a drink before we get that horny archangel." He grabbed Bobby's 50 year old bottle of red wine. He smelled it and said, "Mmm. Cas, I bet you haven't had wine this good." Cas was already pouring himself some, but it was his own. "Dean, you have **no **idea how wrong you are. This is a bottle of 1000 year old white wine. I kept it for myself. I refuse to drink that baby stuff you are." Dean scoffed. "Jerk," he muttered.

Dean was watching Cas drink. Sam smiled to himself. "Hey, Sam," Dean began, "I got something for you, too." He went into the refrigerator and pulled out a bottle in a brown bag. A red liquid was poured out of the bag. "DUDE!" Sam exclaimed, "Is that DEMON'S BLOOD?" Cas was laughing to himself. Dean looked hurt. "Sam. I would never want you to drink that again. It's nothing like demon's blood. If you want to know what it is, taste it and find out." Cas was giggling in the corner.

…. (In Detroit)

The boys were standing on the field. Cas began the summoning ritual. However, instead of Gabriel appearing, it was…Lucifer? "Hey, Sammy. You look good. Long time no see." Sam was totally dumbfounded. "Uhh, duh?" Lucifer let out a laugh. "Oh, Sam, you always were funny. Hey, I know what we should do together! Let's go to the beach. To walk in the moon's light. Then, we'll have wine and we'll kiss, and we'll-" Lucifer was cut off.

Gabriel was standing next to Lucifer, his hand retracting. "Bitch! Don't you know that Sam belongs to ME?" Sam was still shocked. Cas looked at Dean, and Dean returned the glance. Lucifer looked pissed. "Gabriel, go home. No one wants you here. Besides, you're only into Sam because I am. You're such a slut. That's why everyone hates you. Right, Sam?" Sam gave him the most stupid sound as a response.

Dean was getting nervous. Gabriel, after absorbing Lucifer's words, tackled him and punched his face. "Sam is mine, you slut! Mine! I own him!" Cas pulled out the chalice and poured the potion onto both of them. They sizzled, but they were still on top of each other, fighting. Dean finally got his brains together. "Psst! Sam, Cas! Let's sneak away! Quietly, or I'll feed you to them!" All three of the boys snuck backwards. Dean turned on the ignition, and drove away. Lucifer and Gabriel did not notice their absence.

**A/N: Poor Sam! Please, please review this story! Anyways, I liked how Gabriel and Lucifer got all sibiling rivalry on them! Don't you? In the next chapter, Sam and the boys head to a bar to clear their heads. More angels come into the plot now. I hope you liked this story. If you have any ideas on how to improve my story, (or my writing) please review or send a message. Thax! **


	7. We Get Totally Smashed

**A/N: Okay, this is my favorite chapter so far. The boys are at a bar. Go figure! Anyway, Sam is trying to get his head cleared. So, he goes to a bar. Yeah, I know it seems kinda stereotypical, but I have good news. Cas drinks tequila! Anna makes her first appearance. Yay, Anna! (She's totally drunk, though!) :D**

Sam was confused, and better yet, furious. Why hadn't the potion that he had worked really hard to make work? It was definitely mystifying.

"Why didn't that damn potion work? Didn't we brew it exactly as it was supposed to be?" Sam sighed in exasperation. He was certainly confused, and Dean was not helping. In fact, Dean was antagonizing Sam.

"Hey, Sam! If you were Cas, maybe you wouldn't be a virgin anymore!" Dean was having a very fun time antagonizing Sam. Cas was offended.

"What is that supposed to mean, Dean? Are you saying that they would have had raped my by now? I don't think so." Cas was amazed that the potion didn't work. He brewed it to the precise measurement. Maybe he'd have to ask a cherub for help. Dean had pulled up at a bar slash club.

"Well, there's no way to forget your troubles than drinking them away, right?"

...

Cas downed his 10th shot. He wasn't feeling anything. Maybe it was his grace, maybe he had a high tolerance for alcohol. He ordered another shot as Sam came walking toward him, looking uncomfortable.

"Cas, where's Dean? We need to find him and get out of here. I think I just saw Gabriel walk in the door." Sam was really uncomfortable in this scenario. Cas looked at him and drank his shot. Now, of all times, he felt a huge wave of nausea overcome him. So much for his grace.

When Sam found Dean, he had his back to him. There was a woman next to him, and of course, she had to be drunk. That girl had bright red hair, and a very good fashion sense. When they pulled away, Sam realized it was Anna. However, Anna paid no attention to him. Her sights were set on Cas.

"Hey, Cas! Good to see you, man. I wanted to congratulate you on falling. Cas, am I your friend?" Anna was soo drunk. She was blushing terribly, and it looked like she had no control of her bodily functions. She was sweating bullets.

"Oh, Anna, you're one of my most trusted allies." Cas was just messing with her, but she appeared to take him seriously, and as a result of the alcohol, she had no control of her emotions.

"Oh, yay! Cas, I love you! Let's go shopping. I need a tamp! I have problems!" With that, she let out a sob. "I hate myself! I'm a slut! I'm kissing Dean!" She collapsed after that. Sam let out a low whistle.

Sam started to panic. "Dean let's go. Like now." Dean protested. "Dude, she's out cold! Cas can totally lose his virginity right now!" Cas blushed, then looked angry. "Dean, I refuse to have sexual relations with someone who is unconscious. That is wrong; it is no better than rape."

Dean looked offended. "At least you wouldn't be so pure anymore! Besides, I have the best ideas."

Sam looked up at Dean, then he looked around at the bar. Only about four people were sober enough to comprehend what was going on. That might have worked to their advantage. However, a few familiar faces were in the crowd. In fact, all four of those people were angels at one time or another. Gabriel**, **Lucifer, Anna, and Michael were at the pool table.

A/N: Amazing ending, right? It was sooo suspensy. I haven't updated in a while, so I thought I should introduce some new characters to the mix. In the next chapter, Dean and Sam worry about what might happen to them with four all-powerful angels in the room. Is Michael still being a jerk? U betcha. Please read and review! Please? :O 


	8. Repercussions

A/N: Thank you sooo much for reviewing my story! My heart sings when I get reviews! Okay, back to the plot. In this chapter, the boys feel the aftershock of their midnight activities. Also, it's a Sunday, so guess who's really excited!

Chapter 8: Repercussions

Cas was the only one who was okay. Sam was hung-over and Dean was sick. Cas, however, didn't realize that it was a Sunday until he looked at the calendar.

"Sam! Get up! Today is the most glorious of days! The Sabbath!" Sam moaned and looked at the bathroom. "Go and get Dean. We can talk after he's out of the bathroom."

Cas went to the door and tried to turn the handle. It was locked. "Ocupado!" Cas was getting agitated, and there was a strange feeling in his stomach. Like it was going to explode. Cas kicked down the door. He walked over to Dean, who was sitting on the toilet, and he puked.

"Dude! Like, what the hell? Why did you just throw up on me?" Cas turned pale. "Oh, I apologize, Dean, but I feel very ill. Why does my vessel feel like he was hit by a truck?" Sam shouted, from the other room, "Ohh, someone's hungover!" Dean started to laugh at Cas, who started to smile.

"At least I am not going to become a piece of ass for a hungry Archangel. Besides, that might become a threeway if you want it to. Gabriel and Lucifer both want you, you know." Sam blushed. "Shut up."

After Dean took a shower, Cas gathered the courage to talk to them about something. "Guys, today is the Sabbath. Let us go to church." Sam and Dean both busted out with laughter. "Dude, like, no." Cas got really angry. "Look, if you don't want to get smited, I would advise you to come with me to church. We need some heavenly help. Oh, and Sam, if you were to be smited, Gabriel and Lucifer would both have their way with you. Come with me if you want to live."

Sam turned pale. "I'll go and get dressed then."

A/N: Sorry if this is more like a filler than anything. It is, however, one of the key points in this story. I have an idea for what I want church to be like. If you have any ideas, don't be afraid to pm me. The next chapter, though, will have Sam and Lucifer in the church. I'll let you guys ponder the events from here. P.S. Don't be afraid to review this chapter! I, like all other authors, love reviews.


	9. We go to Church and almost die

**A/N: Thanks soo much for reading! This chapter will occur when Castiel, our favorite angel, takes our boys to Sunday church. However, something unholy might go down…**

"Cas, this is a black church! It's scary! I don't want to hug the pastor!" Dean was complaining. Again. Cas had dragged them to the nearest church, which happened to be a black one. Two whole hours of God, and Cas and Sam, all stuck in a small pew. Wonderful.

"Shhsh, Dean! We must hug the pastor, or we won't be allowed access to this place's knowledge! " Sam smiled. "Cas, it's two hours. With no breaks. Can we leave after they say a homily? Please?" Cas refused. "If you want to go to hell, without Lucifer, then I suggest you start praying."

…

"Amen! You tell it, preacha!" Sam was participating wholeheartedly. Wow, thought Dean, Sam likes it here. The parishioners were crying, interrupting the pastor, and throwing themselves to his feet. They were collapsing on the ground, and Sam couldn't do anything to help. It was time for the Homily, and today's topic was…angels.

"Y'all hear me when I say this, but angels are God's gift to us. He gave us them to protect us. Like when we need help with a math test, or going to the bathroom. They are there for us in times of need." Cas started to get up, his face red with anger. Sam tried to hold him down, but he couldn't. "You know, pastor, when angels get angry they can smite people, too. Take fallen angels for instance. They're evil."

The pastor was taken aback by the brash young man. "You dare talk back to me? ME? Why, son, I think you need to get out of here." Cas was on a roll. There was no stopping him, now. "You're a fool. You think angels have it easy? Try taking orders from pompous dicks like Raphael!" Cas slammed his hand on the altar. Now he drew his sword. The preacher started to scream. "You're a devil! I say! You're a devil!"

In a flash of red flame and of smoke, Lucifer appeared, dressed in a black leather jacket, a black t-shirt, ripped jeans, and black shoes. "Hello, Castiel. Let me have my way with this dick." He turned to the pastor and said, "You think he's a devil? You moron! There is only one true devil. Me." He grinned evilly. He took the pastor by the throat, and lifted him into the air. He threw him into the altar, pulled out his sword, and impaled his heart. Cas set holy fire to his body.

Now, everyone in the church was screaming. They were running out of every exit imaginable, and they were scared. They even jumped out of the stain glass windows, just to get away from Lucifer. Dean got caught up in the panic. He was practically crowd-surfing! Sam wasn't very fortunate, though. Lucifer dusted himself off, and started walking toward Sam. Sam backed up against the wall. Lucifer was taking his time, just taking small, slow paces. Cas was being trampled. Dean was nowhere to be seen. It was just him and Lucifer, all the way. It was kind of hot.

Lucifer finally caught up to Sam, who was pinned against the wall. "Hey, love, I was meaning to talk to you," Lucifer began. "We never really got a chance to go out together because of Gabriel. But now we're alone. You want to go and get something to eat? I'll buy." He was being so courteous. Sam was taken aback.

"No thanks, I don't date my enemies." Sam tried to punch his face, but he caught Sam's fist and held it against the wall. "Hmm, feisty. Now I know why Gabriel was attracted to you in the first place." He lowered his head, so it was closer to Sam's and he put his knee in between Sam's legs. Sam started to blush. "Now, I asked once. Don't make me repeat myself, love. You will regret it. I promise you that." Sam 's head moved in closer to Lucifer's. Their lips were inches apart; Sam could feel his hot breath on his face. Lucifer smiled. "That's a good bitch. Give your master a kiss."

A bolt of lighting ran through Sam's head. Bitch, he thought. I'll show him a bitch! Just then, Sam's knee came right up, nailing Lucifer in the balls. He doubled over, shouting profanities. Sam took off.

Dean and Cas were waiting in the car. Sam jumped in, and Dean drove off. "Well, I learned one thing," Dean started. "If you go to church, you get attacked by the devil." He smiled. His foot on the gas pedal pressed down. It was back to the hotel room.

**A/N: This is my favorite chapter ever! This was sooo fun to write. I really hope you liked it. Well, in the next chapter, Sam, Dean, and Cas get caught up in sibiling rivalry. Between Gabriel and Lucifer. Again. Also, I think Meg will make an appearance. If any of you have seen Caged Heat, then you know where this is going. :D **


	10. Sam's Assault

**Long time no see, Supernatural fans! I'm extremely sorry that I haven't updated in like three months, but if you've been to a catholic all boy school, then you know why. They like forbade me from writing this because it's heresy or some shit like that, but I don't care. I lurve it! **

**Back to the plot: the boys just got out of black church, only to be harassed by Lucy. In this chapter, Sam goes through a little shock in Bobby's panic room. Meg appears, if only for one scene before she gets vanquished. Oh, I've said too much. Read on!**

Dean pulled up in his Impala, ready to roll. Cas had shoe marks and cuts all over his face, Sam was as red as a tomato, and Lucifer was chasing him in circles. Gabriel had just shown up, and the scene then turned into an angel slap-down.

Sam ran into Cas, then they both ran for the door to the car.

"Dean," said Sam. "Step on it. I'm not going to be angel food today."

Cas just smiled at him. "Actually, Sam, you would be the one indulging in angel food if you were to be with one of them in a sexual manner."

"Shut up. That's gross!" Sam was wearing his bitch-face, meaning that all hell was about to break loose. Literally.

At Bobby's Panic Room…

Sam had just heard a scream when he walked into the basement's doorway. Dean had heard, too, and was running towards the panic room. Cas was slowly pacing backwards, trying to get out of the panic room. When Sam got there, he saw something he didn't want to: Meg was nude, spread eagle, tied to the bed. Lucifer was in full-leather armor, like a dominatrix with style. Gabriel was nowhere to be seen, which wasn't promising.

Lucifer got a whiff of Sam's sweat and immediately turned toward the doorway with a smirk on his face. His scruff had gotten a little shaggier, his eyes a little wilder, and his muscles a little bigger. He smiled playfully at Sam, as if he had a secret that he wasn't willing to share. He shot looks at Cas and Dean, but he figured that they were beneath him.

All of a sudden, there was another scream, coming from Meg. "I've been a naughty, naughty girl. I need a big, strong man to punish me! Will it be you, Dean? What about you, Sammy?" She cackled.

At the mention of Sam's name, coming from her, Lucifer grew angry. "How dare you say my beloved's name, you ignorant slut! You'll be punished for your insolence! Respect your masters!" He pulled a whip out, and it crackled with electricity coursing through it. Meg looked as if she were about to die. When the whip struck her, her soul came out a little bit. Like each strike was sucking on her soul.

Cas saw his chance and got in the way of the whip, blocking it with his sword. "Brother, stop! Leave this concubine to me. I assure you, she shall be punished in an extreme form of torture."

"Good. See to it that you keep all of her attention on you, brother. I don't want you distracted by the sounds me and Sammy will be making in the stools over there."

Sam bolted for the door. But before he could get there, Lucifer blocked the door, blocking his only escape route.

"Hello, love. I have to repay you for the beating you gave me in that church, you know. I don't want to hurt you, but you give me no choice. Sammy….tell you what, let's make a deal! I am the devil, after all. If you let me make love to you, then Dean won't die." He snapped his fingers, and Dean was in a dunk tank full of piranhas.

Lucifer gave Sam a flirty yet evil smile. "The faster you get those clothes off of you and me on you, love, the faster Dean gets out of that tank. So, what's it gonna be? You? Or him?" He leaned in and smelled Sam's hair, then let out a low growl.

Cas was going through a pocket spell book in Enochian, trying to come up with a relinquishing spell for Dean. He flipped through the pages and found one, but the only ingredient was demon's blood. The blood of Meg. Cas pulled his knife-sword out and cut Meg's arm, taking the blood and putting it in a water gun. He shot Dean with it, and the tank dissolved into nothingness.

Dean shot Lucifer with his sawed-off shot gun, which only made him stumble a little bit. It was as if he didn't even feel anything. He was practically on top of Sam, binding his hands with telekinesis. He nipped at Sam's adam's apple, which made Sam whimper. Lucifer cackled, then latched onto Sam's neck.

In a shimmer of golden light, an angel holding a spear appeared and ran Lucifer through with it. It was Gabriel, holding his trademarked weapon. He twisted the spear more, further enveloping it into Lucifer's vessal. Sam was running towards Cas, trying not to throw up or cry. In a loud scream of anguish, Lucifer's body erupted into a pillar of flame, leaving only char marks on the ground and a bruise on Sam's neck.

Gabe went up to Sam to assess the damage. "Thank the Lord he didn't bite down any harder, Sam. If he did, he would've marked you as his. Then we couldn't be together." Sam ran upstairs, grabbed a can of spray paint, ran into the closet, and painted Enochian warding symbols all over the doors. He also used a can to paint a devil's trap close to him.

Dean let out a whistle. "Damn, Cas, what should we do with Sam? He obviously feels violated. Wanna go make fun of his hickey?" Dean let out a playful sounding laugh, which only made Meg want him more. "Get on me and fuck me, Dean! I need it!"

Cas touched Meg's forehead, sending her back to hell. "Go, thrive in the inferno, abomination. Bitch."

Dean smiled. "You're finally learning how to make modern day insults. Keep up the practice, and you could be as good as me. Pussy."

"What was that?"

"Nothing, nothing. Besides, we still need you to fuck someone. After all, you came to me hoping to lose that cherry, right?"

"Oh, Lord, Dean, will you stop using that vulgar language. It is the Sabbath. We must rest on this day."

"I don't think Sam wants to rest with anyone today."

"By rest, do you mean 'fuck'?"

"Yes. Yes I do, Cas."

"Jesus. You are soo immature!"

"You're too proper! Get that stick outta your ass and lighten up!"

"You want me to lighten up? Fine! I'll have relations with the first girl I see!"

"Fine!"

Lisa walked down the stairs, and she looked at Cas.

Dean frowned. "Sonofabitch!"

**That was amazing! My longest chapter ever, it took me about an hour and a half to write. It was horrible, but I loved it! If I was Sam, I would feel violated, but a little turned on. That bad boy act is a little sexy, dontcha think? Well, how'd you like the twist at the end? Lisa and Cas = hot sex and a jealous Dean. I hope this was worth the hiatus. Don't forget to review. I love all those who review my stories! :D**


	11. Slave Trade

**Hey, guys. I want to do this chapter right. Lucifer 's gonna reveal his master plan for Sam, Dean will be upset and jealous about Cas' situation with Lisa, and Cas will try to bed Lisa. What about Gabe, you ask? Keep reading. You'll see. I want to thank all the people who have liked and or reviewed my story. It means the world to me. But, I've decided to give this story a rest. Two more chapters, guys! How sad is that?**

Lisa smiled sweetly at Dean and Cas. Dean, however, was wearing a sour look, like he had just gotten hit in the nuts with an aluminum baseball bat. Cas, however, looked like he had something on Dean, something Dean didn't like. Lisa walked back upstairs, and Cas shot Dean a look.

"You are not bedding her," Dean said. Cas replied with a smirk. He raised his eyebrows at Dean, who was blushing out of embarrassment and anger.

"You cannot tell me what I can and cannot do. Assbutt." Cas walked out of the room, his trench coat trailing behind him.

"Assbutt? What kind of insult is that?" Dean followed Cas up the stairs.

…

Sam had been in the closet for about two hours until he decided to come out. It wasn't really voluntary, more forced than normal. As soon as Sam stepped out, he was tackled by Lucifer.

Lucifer was wearing a red and black tight-as-hell t-shirt and some skinny jeans. He had black and white vans on his feet, and he had a pitchfork charm on a bracelet. He breathed in Sam's scent, for the umpteenth time. 

He got off of Sam and said, "Sam, I know I haven't been fair to you. I just want you to know that I'm a jealous bitch and I don't deserve anyone as sweet as you. I've been acting on emotion, on pure lust, and I've been putting you and Gabe through the wringer. I just want you to know that I'm sorry."

Sam was shocked. He wasn't expecting this to come out of the Prince of Lies' mouth. He took in a breath, but nothing came out of his mouth. Sam was just in pure astonishment.

Lucifer continued. "Sam, I just wanted to apologize. Here, I brought you something. Truce?" He held out another bracelet like his, but the charm was smaller. He offered the bracelet to Sam.

"I'm a man of taste. It's pure ruby. I have a bunch of these downstairs, so you can have it if you want…"

Sam's head was rushing. _Why's he being so nice to me all of a sudden? I mean, I know he was running on lust, but a change of heart this big so fast? Whatever, Sam. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, right? And it' s such a pretty bracelet…. How long has it been since I did something for just me? I deserve something nice. I mean, I've saved the world, after all. I've come back from the dead! Twice!_

Sam reached out for the bracelet, but Lucifer pulled back. "I wanna put it on. You know, to show you that I mean no harm." He reached over and placed the bracelet on Sam's left wrist. The charm immediately started to glow, as if it were attaching itself to Sam.

"There we go," he said. "See you later, Sammy." And then he was gone.

…

Sam caught up with Dean and Cas in Bobby's kitchen. As soon as Sam approached, Cas realized that there was something wrong. He sensed negative energy emanating from Sam. So, Cas searched for the source of it. It seemed as if Sam didn't know that he was giving off this energy, either.

"Hey, Dean," Sam said. "Why're you making such a pissy face? Is Cas bedding Lisa?"

"No!" Cas laughed.

The sound of wings fluttering revealed Gabe in his normal attire: a black jacket, jeans, and some Adidas sneakers.

"Sam! What the fuck are you wearing! Oh, no! I'm too late!" Gabe broke down into racking sobs. He walked over to Sam and grabbed him, crying into his chest.

Cas immediately sensed that something was wrong. Dean looked worried, too.

"Hey Featherhead!" Dean said. "What's wrong with Sammy!" Dean punched Gabe in the chest, effectively ending the sobbing.

"He's, he's HIS!" _What the hell is this guy saying? , _thought Dean.

A lightning bolt of revelation flashed into Cas' mind. He knew exactly what had happened.

"Sam, have you gotten anything from Lucifer recently? Has he approached you with a gift of some sort?" Sam nodded. He didn't know what was wrong.

Cas shook his head in disbelief. "Sam, you fool! You took something from him! Now you're his!" Cas let all of his air leave his body before sucking in another breath.

"What do you mean, Cas?"

"Sam, you know of the ancient courtship method of the Greeks, do you not?"

"Uhh, no?"

"Assbutt! In ancient homosexual relationships, the elder of the males, the man in the relationship, would court his partner slowly. The relationship was consecrated when the younger male, the woman in the relationship, accepted a gift of his. I repeat: what did Lucifer give to you?"

Dean's face paled. If Sam had taken something of Lucifer's then….Sam was his boyfriend.

Lisa effectively ruined the upset mood of the scene. "Hey, Sam. Why do you look so, Oh God!"

Sam had fainted. Cas and Dean immediately gathered Sam and put him in the nearest couch. Lucifer wasted no time in getting to them.

"I see you've figured it out," he said with a grin on his face. Both boys glared at him.

"Well, I'll be taking my boyfriend home with me. See you guys later…." He grabbed Sam, who immediately reacted. Sam got up, ripped himself from the other man's grasp, and slowly made his way toward Cas.

"I never wanted to be with you. Get away from me."

"Oh, but see, dear, you don't have a choice. I own you now. Come give me a kiss." The bracelet immediately reacted to the command, dragging Sam toward Lucifer. Lucifer grabbed Sam by the hips and pulled him closer. Sam was kicking and punching, totally wailing on Lucifer's chest, but he didn't even recognize the fact that he was taking a beating. The only thing on his mind was that Sam was his.

Cas grabbed Gabriel's sword and cut Lucifer's cheek. He hissed in pain, then pushed Sam out of his way. Sam grabbed Cas' sword and jumped on top of Lucifer. Lucifer was absolutely livid.

"Get off my back, bitch." Sam immediately fell off of Lucifer's back. "Hit Castiel for me." Sam got up and slapped Cas' face. Dean gasped when he saw his younger sibling crying.

Lucifer smiled. "Now, like I said before, come here and give your daddy a kiss." Sam walked toward Lucifer, crying silently, cursing Lucifer and himself. Lucifer moved to cup Sam's face with his hands. He stared intently on the beautiful hazel eyes of the younger Winchester brother.

Dean couldn't bear it. He grabbed his gun and shot Lucifer in the back. Lucifer ignored it. He smiled at Sam. "Tell me who owns you."

"You do."

"Good."

"I don't want it to be like this. I want you to take me after marriage." Lucifer gasped. He slapped Sam across his face, making his mouth bleed. "Bitch, I'll take you when I want you."

Sam ripped the bracelet off of his wrist. He threw it to Cas, who stabbed the charm with his sword. Lucifer grinned. "Did you honestly think that would break the spell, Castiel? If so, you're even more pathetic than I thought."

Sam got up and ran to Lisa. Lisa gave him a protective hug, which made Lucifer grow jealous. "How dare you do that to me, you ungrateful wench! I give you everything and you turn it down?"

He grabbed Sam's wrist and pulled him into his arms. "You'll get your punishment soon enough. Kill that bitch over there, Sammy."

"No."

"Did you just say 'no' to me?"

"Yeah, I just did. What are you going to do about it?" Dean grinned. He loved it when his brother stood up for himself.

"Oh, you do not want to press me, baby." He whispered something into Sam's ear. As soon as he said it, Sam's eyes glazed over. "I've had a long day at work. Go into the kitchen and make me a sandwich."

"Yes, sweetie." Sam's voice was automatic; it was devoid of emotion.

Cas watched in astonishment as Sam moved toward the kitchen. His body wasn't responding to his commands. Cas watched in horror as Sam reached over and grabbed the bread. He put some jelly on a piece of bread and put the other over it. He then gave it to Lucifer.

"Thanks, so much, sweetheart. Now go do the laundry."

"Yes, baby."

Sam left the room, leaving Lucifer with a sandwich and a whole bunch of confused people. He grinned. Dean punched Lucifer in the mouth, making the vessel bleed. Dean hurt his hand.

Lucifer smiled evilly. "You all see how powerful I am. Now, I'm going to take Sam whether you like it or not, and if you don't I'll take care of you in front of him. He's no longer part of your family. He's mine. I plan to keep it that way. Farewell."

Sam walked into the room, straight into Lucifer's arms. Lucifer vanished, with Sam in his clutches.

**So, the stage is set for the final chapter! How will this end? And will Cas ever get some ass? Keep an eye out for the last chapter of Angels on the Rocks!**


	12. Final Battle

**Dun-dun-duhhh! It's my last chapter to my first real story! God, I'm so emotional (sob), but the show must go on. After all, all good things must come to an end, right? Right. So, lemme recap real quick: Cas is having sexual urges, so he goes to Sam and Dean to help, but Sam is being harassed by Lucifer and Gabriel, and he can't help Cas. He can't even help himself! Then, Cas says he'll sleep with Lisa, but I don't think Dean would let him. Finally, Lucifer kidnapped Sam and made him be his boyfriend. Too much? **

**Anyways, I kinda wanted to break it into three parts, but it's all one chapter. This is dedicated to all who gave me reviews, they are my heart and soul!**

**Part One: Emergency Provisions**

Dean watched in horror as Cas did nothing to even attempt to find Sam. No locator spell, no _poof!ing _out of there and into a search for Sam, nothing. Nada. So, basically to Dean, Sam was someone's hooker, and they couldn't help. That really made Dean infuriated.

"Cas, get your ass into the sky and look for Sam." Dean practically snarled at Cas, who didn't even know how to react.

"Dean, trust me, they won't do anything. They need a full moon. But, if you want, I can cast a tracking spell…" Cas poofed out of the room and left Dean alone. Two seconds later, Cas was back with a duffel bag of myrrh, incense, and teeth.

"Dude, where'd you go?"

"The middle east. I got these teeth out of a cave in the mountains between Pakistan and Afghanistan."

"O-kay, what do we need them for?"

"Evidence! This proves that Saddam Hussein is dead!"

"He's been dead…"

"Damn it! These are worth shit!" Cas threw them into the toilet and flushed it.

"At least you figured out how to use the toilet…" Cas paid him no attention. Instead, he said, "Gimme your arm."

Dean put his arm out and Cas slashed it with a knife. "Sorry, but you wanted me to work a tracking spell. Here goes…" In a flash of light, Cas saw their location: a motel three hours from where they were. Sam was unconscious and next to a sleeping, bloody Lucifer. Sam was fine, it was just that the vessel was deteriorating.

"Got them! There in the motel you guys were in…the Red Rose motel! But, he's put up a bunch of protective barriers around the entire place. And I'm sure he's got demons posted everywhere, too, which is gonna be a bitch to get rid of."

"Okay, Cas, what are we gonna do?"

"Don't ask me! I don't have the arsenal in my trunk!" A lightbulb flashed in Dean's head.

"Oh yeah! I forgot! Let's go and see what we can come up with."

At the car, Dean found a note: _Dean, I took the car to go grocery shopping. I'll be back in fifteen minutes. Call me if you need me. Love, Lisa._

"Sonofabitch! What are we gonna do now, 'cause I'm not waiting for Lisa to get back!" Dean pinched the bridge of his nose.

Cas' face lit up. "Hey, Bobby might have something we can use… let's go find out!"

…

"Yeah, this won't work out." Dean was watching Bobby and Crowley make out on the kitchen table. Cas was recording it on a flip cam.

"Really? Come on, dude, you can't be serious!" Cas was everything but joking.

"We may need leverage on this guy! Besides, we can totally blackmail him!" Bobby let out a grunt.

"Oh, shit! Let's get out of here, Cas!" Dean and Cas took off.

…

"Well, we have nothing to go on. How're we gonna save Sam now?" Dean was crushed. He had no plan to save his younger brother.

"Well, what if we called Pamela? She might have some psychic advice for us."

"You burned her eyes out."

"Maybe she'll forgive me?"

"Fine. We're out of options anyways."

Since Lisa had been gone for three hours, Cas teleported them to Pamela's house. Dean knocked on the door. She opened the door a few seconds later.

"Dean! What a pleasure! Oh, and who's this?"

Cas cleared his throat. "Hello. My name is Castiel."

Something inside of Pamela's head snapped. She lashed out with her cane. She hit Cas in the forehead, effectively breaking her cane.

"Bastard! You took away my eyes!"

"In all fairness, I did tell you not to…"

"He's right, Pamela."

She sighed. "Fine. What can I do you for?" Dean and Cas shared a look.

"Sam's been kidnapped by-" Dean started,

"Lucifer. He's been trying to bed Sam and he got him under his spell. We're trying to get him back, but we don't have the proper gear-" Cas interrupted,

"And we thought you might be able to help us." Dean finished.

Pamela laughed. "It's cute how you finish each other's sentences. Are you sure you're not soulmates?"

"Hell NO!" They said in unison.

…

Pamela gave them everything she had: a grenade that burned with holy fire, a stun gun that was laced with actual lightning, a blowgun full of holy water darts, and lots of spellbooks.

"What the hell can we use all of these spellbooks for?" Dean asked. Pamela got defensive.

"Don't ask me! I got those on sale!" Cas just laughed at the whole interaction. As he flipped through a spellbook, he found something he deemed useful.

"Hey, look at that," said Cas. "A hate spell. It would break the infatuation…but I don't think a Lucifer full of hatred for Sam is what we need…"

Dean smiled. "I think I got something!" It was a spell for break-up. It was a rejection potion.

"Look how long it'll take to brew! Two days! We don't have that time! Sam could be raped by then!" Cas coughed.

"Uhh, Dean. You may not know this, but if he wants the spell to stay permanent, he'll have to wait until a full moon, which is in three days. If we can't get to them in time, Sam's his forever."

Pamela walked in the room nonchalantly with a tray full of freshly baked cookies. "Boys, I brought you a snack!"

"Pamela, how can you bake? You can't see!" Dean was in total disbelief.

"Just because I'm impaired, it doesn't mean I can't learn. Oh, and I can sense your aura. If you keep taking those long showers, you'll end up like me: blind!"

Pamela cackled and Dean blushed. Cas was confused. "What does she mean?"

"Nothing, Cas."

…

The brewing of the potion went a little faster than they thought. Cas was in charge of brewing, while Dean had to look for a defense breaching spell. After countless hours logged with their books, they had only the potion and a reversal spell that would administer the effects of the defensive spells to Cas. Basically, they were screwed.

"Cas, we're screwed. There's no way we can bust Sam out of that hellhole." Cas couldn't help but sigh.

"Maybe he likes it down there…"

**Part Two: Rescue Mission**

In the hotel room, Lucifer was asleep in the bed next to Sam's. Sam dared not move anywhere. Lucifer had control of him. Sam racked his brain vigorously for an antidote, but no spell came to his mind. So, he started to pray.

_Saint Michael the Archangel…_

Lucifer was affected by Sam's prayer; he heard it. He got jealous.

"What are you doing up so late, sugar? Do you want something? How about a quick fuck?" Sam turned away from him. Lucifer was offended, hurt, and furious. He moved onto the bed and sat on the edge. "Sweetie, I don't know what I can do to consummate with you. I've tried being loving, sweet, and kind, but it's not working. So, I think I'll try the violent approach…." He grabbed Sam by the throat and slammed him against the wall.

"I don't want to hurt you. Why are you making me inflict pain on you, Sammy? I only want to be with you." He started to take off Sam's jeans but a flash of light flew him across the room. Before Lucifer stood three figures: Castiel, Dean Winchester, and Michael.

Dean turned to Cas. "I can't believe that worked! You so owe me after this."

"Yeah, well, I just got laid. See, I'm glowing."

"Damn you, Cas. I didn't think you'd actually go through with it."

Sam interrupted. "Cas, you do not have that after-sex-glow. It's him." He pointed toward Michael, who was glowing with power.

"How'd he get involved with this, Cas?" Dean asked.

Cas looked at Sam. "I kinda, um, invoked him?"

"That's right, Sam." Michael said. "You asked for my help, so I came."

"Even after all the crap Team Free Will put you through?"

"It's my job to protect people from evil. After all, you don't become leader of the heavenly host flitting around and eating chocolate all day." Michael smiled at Lucifer.

"Brother, release this boy from your grasp. He's done nothing to you. I don't want to fight you over a boy, but…"

Lucifer smirked at him. "Brother, you have no idea what I'm capable of. You haven't seen me in action since the day you banished me. You'll pay for that and for keeping me from my love!" He rushed Michael with a sword in his hand, but Dean got in the way.

Lucifer skewered Dean, who coughed up blood. He shot Lucifer in the foot, which did nothing. Dean started to get pale. Cas ran over to the scene with medicine in hand. Michael engaged Lucifer. Sam tore off the bracelet Lucifer had placed on him and ran towards Dean.

"Can you treat him?"

"Not in this environment. I'd need a bubble of safety or something."

"Not a problem," Sam said. "_Elbbub fo niotcetorp raeppa_!"

A bubble of pure white light enveloped the three of them, while Cas started to get to work on Dean.

Cas handed Sam a spellbook Pamela had given him. "Use it and help Michael. I'll protect Dean."

Sam walked with righteous fury to the scene of the battle. Lucifer had Michael against some boulders, pressuring him with every strike. Sam flipped through the spellbook, looking for something he could help with.

Just as Lucifer was to deliver the final blow, Sam called. "Get away from my man!" He pushed Michael out of the way and grabbed the sword from Lucifer. "Yawa morf em!" Lucifer flew two hundred yards away.

"You okay, Michael?"

"Funny. You asked for my help, but I needed yours. Why?"

"He was about to strike. I couldn't let the last hope we had get hurt. Cas gave me this spell book to help. I'm done hiding behind my friends. It's time I stepped to the plate and fought with everything I have."

Dean and Cas walked slowly toward Sam and Michael. "You guys okay?" Cas called.

"We're fine. How's Dean?" Sam asked.

"I'm fine, Sammy. Ready to fight?" Dean grabbed the spellbook from Sam and said, "_Ffo-dewas nugtosh raeppa_!" His sawed-off shotgun appeared in his hand. "Cool! I'm a freakin' wizard!"

"Gimme that before you hurt yourself, Harry Potter," Sam said. Sam pulled a gun from Cas' waistband and cocked it. Cas drew his knife, with Michael right behind him.

"Get ready for hell," Dean started, "Because here it comes."

**Part 3: The Final Battle**

Lucifer was battered. His clothes were ripped, and he was angry. Sam had turned on him for his brother. If jealousy had a body, it was Lucifer's. He brushed himself off and ran to where everyone was. He saw that they were strategizing, leaving them defenseless. He grabbed a crow and threw it at Sam.

"Is that a crow?" asked Dean.

"Yeah, and it's coming right over here."

Sam grabbed the baseball bat next to him and hit the crow head on. It flew straight back to the one who had thrown it.

"Home Run!" Dean screamed profanities and taunts toward the direction the crow had come from. Lucifer was beyond furious. Not only had his love hit him with a crow, his brother was making fun of him. That was not going to be good for Dean.

Lucifer got up from his little hiding place and teleported in front of Dean. Dean shot him in the face with his shotgun. Lucifer stumbled back a step, then recovered.

"You'll have to do better than that to hurt me, Cupcake."

"Good. I like a challenge." Dean kicked Lucifer in the stomach, which only hurt his leg. Cas stood there shaking his head.

"You had the wrong form, Dean. You kick him like _this._" Cas twist kicked Lucifer in the balls. Lucifer coughed up blood. "Do you hear that, Michael? It sounds like a thousand tiny battle cries…."

Those thousand tiny battle cries turned into a thousand loud ones really quick. The area was being stormed by demons who wanted to kill the Winchesters.

"Oh, hell." Sam muttered.

"You think?" Dean retorted.

Michael grabbed a tree branch and ran to the front of the line. "You. Shall Not. PASS!" He slammed the stick into the ground and a wall of light and feathers kept the demons from getting through.

Sam was laughing hysterically. "Awesome! Lord of the Rings reference!"

Lucifer tackled Michael and hit him in the face. Michael's nose gushed blood. He kicked Lucifer off of him and onto the ground. Cas stabbed Lucifer through the arm with his knife, and Michael stabbed Lucifer through the leg. Dean unloaded his shotgun into Lucifer's face, which had him annoyed.

Dean ran back to the tree they were under previously. He looked for the spellbook they had. He found the spell he wanted. "_Tropsnart eht noitop ot em_." The potion from the hotel room appeared in his hand.

He gave it to Sam. "Take some of that. It'll nullify the spell he put on you. Don't drink all of it, though. We need some for him." He pointed to Lucifer.

"Are you sure this is brewed right? The last potion like this we made was a flop."

"That's because it wasn't needed at the time. This was urgent, so we searched for the most powerful potion in all of Pamela's books. Just drink it, bitch."

"Cheers. Jerk."

He took the potion, then handed it to Cas. "God, that's disgusting! What's in that? Diarrhea?"

"We told you it needed to be potent…"

"God! Next time, use something else!"

"Sorry."

Cas handed the potion back to Sam. "You should do it. After all, he was harassing you all this time."

Dean smiled. "Great idea, Cas."

Sam swallowed, then slowly walked to where Lucifer was pinned. "Baby, don't do this. I love you."

"Save it. I hate you, you jaded, no good, abusive son of a bitch! Hell's too good for you. And I will never ever say 'yes' to you."

Michael put his hand on Sam's shoulder. "Do it now, Sam. You've grown strong enough to do it."

"Gladly." Sam kicked Lucifer's face. It didn't hurt him like it hurt Dean. Lucifer hissed in pain.

"You'll have to do way better than that, love."

"Oh, I intend to."

Sam reached for the book that Dean had. Dean threw it over to him and Sam flipped through the pages.

"Ah. Here we go. _Dloh nepo ruoy htuom_!"

Lucifer's mouth immediately snapped open, and he was unable to close it.

"_Pots gnilggurts_!"

Lucifer stopped struggling. Sam had a clear shot. "Drink this you bastard." He poured the vile liquid down Lucifer's gullet. Lucifer gasped, then passed out, his vessel unable to sustain any more stress.

Dean smiled. "That was fun. Let's _**never **_do that again, okay?"

**10 Days Later**

Cas' palms were sweaty and he was breathing hard. He watched as Pamela took off her dress, leaving her in her panties. Cas' jacket, shirt, pants, and shoes were gone. He was only in his boxers and tie. Pamela grabbed his tie and pulled him in for a kiss. It was going down.

…

Dean and Sam watched in horror as the body they saw in the morgue was Pamela's.

Dean turned to the medical examiner. "What was the cause of death?"

He turned to Dean, extremely perplexed. "She died of internal vaginal hemorrhaging. She was impaled. In her _**vagina. **_It's very unusual…"

Sam gave Dean a look like, "_let's get the hell out of here." _

…

Dean hit Cas. "Did you have to kill her?"

Cas blinked. "What? Who did I kill?"

"Pamela, you dumbass! You skewered her!"

Sam laughed. "Was it worth it? Was she any good?"

Cas grinned. "Better than heaven."

**So, that's it! I hope you guys enjoyed it! Please tell me what you think in a review! I know I had fun writing this, soo yeah.**


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